Familiar with those cheesy VH1 help-me-find-‘love’-on-a-reality-TV-show-because-there’s-no-other-possible-way-for-me-to-find-it shows? These reality shows incorporate the washed-up stars whose 15 minutes of fame lasted 15 minutes too long, but it wasn’t enough to satisfy their unfulfilled need for constant attention: Flavor Flav, Bret Michaels, New York, Hulk Hogan, Scott Baio, the list goes on. While these mind-numbing forms of entertainment are absolutely tasteless and offensive, they do please a certain demographic – most likely 13 year old boys who tune in for a chance to see breasts or a catfight, guys sitting on the couch too blazed to change the channel, or people who love television yet have reception that only allows them to view VH1. You may be familiar with one of the latest shows, Daisy of Love, one of the many tasteless offshoots. Coincidentally, Morningwood provides the theme song, “Best of Me.” Sadly, the connections between these two uppermost forms of art do not end there. The previously mentioned demographics are presumably three of the top results that came up on the corporate board meeting drawing board where Morningwood’s latest, Diamonds and Studs, was conceived. Where else would a band with a hot singer, thinly laced sexual references, a witless mildly humorous band name, and talentless music find each other?
Morningwood’s latest is a step to the left from their previous release, a bubblegum pop record that took the same innuendo as their band name. And yes, it refers to a male phenomenon that results in many an embarrassing situation at pubescent sleepovers everywhere. “Best of Me,” better known as the Daisy of Love theme song (yes, BETTER known), begins Diamonds and Studs with a confident power-pop anthem. Frontwoman Chantel Claret wastes no time in asserting herself as a “chick with attitude,” but her subpar range and shoddy lyrics suggests otherwise along with her cliche interjections of “Yeah,” “C’mon bitches,” “Alright,” and just gutteral sounds to take up space and establish her. Get used to the overused chorus, lack of vocal range, and repetition, because it doesn’t subside after “Best of Me” is finished. Every song that follows in similar fashion is basically a power-pop anthem that requires an IQ below 85 to truly enjoy. While it’s a chore to listen to the lyrics, they soon reveal some very mixed messages. Literally every song deals with one of two subjects: either a) Chantel lusting after a male or b) Chantel letting the opposite sex know that she can handle herself and she a feisty, sexy, bitch – girl power! The one exception of this is a song about a killer polar bear, literally, not metaphorically. She attempts to emphasize this second point often times rather with one-word exclamations rather than lyrics or lines. Rather than actually have to listen to Diamonds and Studs, it would be easier to view the atrocious lyrics here…
You think you’re the shit,
doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
there are no words I can say about it
I have to admit,
you make me giggle with your super sharp wit
and then I sweat when you get me unzipped
and I can’t resist
(That’s How You Know It’s Love)
She’s undone / He can’t come/ Still time for her to go get some / The season
Of the trust fund / Handbags by Louis Vuitton now
S’all uptown / Chanel gowns / Brownstones on / Lex with the top down
Whats that sound / Ching Ching now / Sugar baby needs a sugar daddy now now
Sugar’s gotta get out
(Sugarbaby)
The awfulness of Diamonds and Studs reaches new lows with “That’s My Tune.” Constructed primarily for ring tones, this song epitomizes the downfall of the modern music industry. Had it been an ironic gesture, it would be necessary to praise Chantel for such a witty song, but sorrowfully that is not the case. “I’m riding on the bus / sitting with my girlfriends / I stare at my phone / but it’s not ringing,” Chantel sets the scene. It gets worse. The chorus, “Let it ring man don’t u pick it up / don’t stop that my tune / that’s my thing man you can turn it up don’t stop that my tune,” which Chantel repeats ad infinitum, are the type of lines that beg 2 b writtn in AIM shrt-hnd. kno wat i meeeeean???
Diamonds and Studs is an embarrassment to music, yet pitifully it epitomizes what today’s music industry values. Whether Chantel is asserting herself and her “Bitches,” or simply begging for sex, her unbearable lyrics easily overpower the simple, generic power chords or the lonely ballad at the end, “Cat in a Box.” Morningwood doesn’t deserve the label given to most simplistic pop bands- fun. Surfing is fun. Learning the Thriller Dance is fun. Playing a prank on a close friend is fun. Morningwood and their loathsome music on full display with shallow lyrics and generic power-pop is not fun.
Recommended Songs:
none
Overall Grade: 9% F-
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